A Year From the Last...

• I had completely forgotten this blog that I'd started awhile back. I find my last post was a year ago on this day. My love was across the world, and here I sat dwelling in my own sorrow and selfish nature. I suppose not much has changed since then. He is now back from Iraq and in his home-state visiting family and friends. I'm across the country in my home, because I could not handle the changes. I'm a needy creature, I realize this. All I wanted was ONE day, just one day of me and him. "Anna and Kenny" time. No noise, no distraction, no phones... I haven't had the moments opportunity to fall in love with him all over again. That "second-honeymoon".

We live with another couple and a zoo of animals in a house less then 1000 sq ft. I cannot breathe. (and literally as well, since everyone smokes) I have no purpose nor privacy, so I find myself lying on my bed and reading or drawing the hours away. Occasionally, he will come in and see what I'm doing... I'm not as social of a person as he is. Maybe, I want more then the minutes of talk leading to slumber every night. In conversation, I ramble on and then hear his gentle snore. Sometimes, I get up and go watch the news until the wee hours of the morning- slipping back in bed before he wakes and realizes I wasn't there all along.
More often lately, I turn to the wall and let the tears fall. I love him and want him, but his energy and mind is drained. I know and hope that our life will once again mesh in to the beautiful union we once had. We are perfect together, and all our weaknesses are balanced out by the strength of the other. I love my Kenny, I am perfect for him and he is good for me.
Tonight, I think a year back on this day and don't recall much. I'm certain I was lonely, most likely he called. He sent me a gift here to the house today. I saw FedEx and ran to the door... tore the box open hoping to find a cute stuffed teddy bear holding chocolates, or maybe some sexy lingerie. I tear the boxes apart and to find cheeses, apples, nuts, and a small box of chocolate. No love note. Was he serious? Didn't he know I'm on a diet and can't eat cheese anyhow?? The apples were soft and the pears crunchy. I knew he hadn't put a moments thought in this gift... which made me angry. Food? I waived my irritation and called him anyhow, thanking him for the box. (He had just received mine... which had been well thought-through and lovingly packed)
His voice is so sweet on the phone, it melts my heart. He was glad the box got here on time (since I leave for him in two days, anyhow) He really hoped everything in the box, and he said Isy helped pick it out for him. Ah. Two individuals who's minds revolve around food. This whole box is starting to make sense. I got off-subject, not really wanting him to know I can't eat anything in it... we chatted, and I told him that I loved him. I'll try not to be so bitchy, I promised. (Just been dealing with some sad issues of the heart lately)
I admit in hating myself some days, and I don't want to be the only one hating me. There must be something wrong with me-- but when he treats me like a queen, I am offended. I don't deserve him. He can do better, and what would hurt is if he ever believed me to say that and think it be true.
I don't feel this way often, only when I'm terrified of the future-- which, has been often. The box of cheese and apples offended me and made me bitter. Me thinking, "He must have had more important things going on then thinking of me while purchasing that gift." Not even a note!
When I heard his voice, I melted and in my mind I see him pouring over pages of gifts online, trying to decide which one to give me. He seeks Izy's advice, and I now have a bowl of apples.
I love him. He isn't the romantic type at all... he forgets dates and events. He doesn't catch a clue, nor can he read my sly, but implied requests.
He snores and denies it... (although, he's woken with some pretty nasty bruises on his ribs) I had poked and pushed him about his sleeping all night long!
He scrapes the cheese of my pizza and melts soy cheese on it, so we can enjoy our favorite food together. His hands are soft and tender. He never raises his voice with me.
Once, while he was out in the field he came home late one night and walked through the front door in his gear. He held out a fistful of wilted daffodils that he'd picked and kept safe. He said he was sorry they weren't daffodils, but "buttercups", and that hopefully I'd still like them. I fell in love with that man again, for the thousandth time... right then.

He's home. I'm here. It has seemed forever ago I sat and worried over him on this very bed. Clutching my cell phone through the nights, in desperation... that I would never miss a call.
Soon, we will have our own place. I need me some Kenny time. Just him, me, and the ferrets.
Nothing is perfect, I don't even get what I really want out of anything. I do happen to be married to Kenny, and that is enough. I could not go on without him, and do not survive well when apart.
In time, we'll see where we go...