heart aches

I live in the moment. I'm a compulsive shopper (not in a bad way, just know what I like when I see it) I breathe deep, deeper... because you never know when that might be the last breath you take. As much as I hate Indiana, I breathed deep in the humid, stifling air on my last walk with the husband. I appreciated the stillness of the night, and the dark canvas of the sky... illuminated by stars galore. This was a selfish intake of air, in a good and bad way. I appreciated the walk, considering taking a walk with my husband only six months ago would have triggered an onslaught of panic attacks and a trip to the ER. It's a slow walk, not for exercise, only for leisure. I want to walk faster and help melt away the 30 pounds I've gained since moving there. He grabs my arm and asks me to slow down, and I do. I breathe in again, capturing the offensive odor of moldy cornfields infiltrating the air. If I remember this smell, when I return to Washington the sweet air of home will be so overpowering, it will be sweeter then I ever remembered.
I don't mention this, this habit has become routine for me, and now it is an unconscious act, only identified in a moment such as now.

I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you when I was young. I loved you, but I never knew how awesome you really were.

I'm sorry for getting irritated, even today. I can't help myself, but I am doing better to hide it. I love you so much my heart spasms in pain that my irritations consume any thought that I have towards you. My every waking moment with you should be confession of love, gratitude, and respect.

I love you all more today than I ever have before. I don't know what I'd do if I lost any one of you.

I'm sorry I wasn't here to see you grow up, be here to drive you to school. If I could go back today, and change anything-- I would have mentored you, loved you more, and been more accepting.

You are the most wonderful, loving, generous, and wise man I have ever known. Not just because you were my dad, but because you are. The sacrifice you have made to our family will pass down through the generations, and your wisdom will be reflected upon and received by many. Your joy in the little aspects of life are precious, and I want to be more like you. You strive to live for the Lord, and you set a wondrous example of a Christ-like spirit.

I'm sorry I have said the hurtful things that I have. My heart grieves over that. My anguish and frustration in not accomplishing anything turned in to a desperate attempt to make you hear me. Please forgive me, I have been wrong.

I still won't ever love nor accept her. She has hurt me beyond all belief, but I am slowly healing-- and not hating her as much. I can't do it right now. I cannot accept someone who has pained me so. I just wish you had protected me.

You have failed me in so many areas... but I will not resent you so much. It's been slow for me, to get to that point (in not resenting you so) but I am making as best an effort as possible. Please be patient with me, as I have been with you.

Finally, Lord. I'm sorry I've grown heartless and cold. I'm sorry that I've lost heart... I've tried, but it's been so hard. My heart aches. Loss of time, the friends I've lost, memories never made, and obsessing over what could have been. Please give me strength for the days ahead. Just for today, and a passion for tomorrow.

When I breathe in the air next time, I will rejoice in the moment. A moment not lost, but given to me. Even if I am experiencing it alone... (my greatest travesty) I know that I am with you.