I knew the details before most even knew what happened. I begged my nco to let me head back to the chu's to check on 1st plt, for I know that they had been out on mission that night. Being the bitch she was, she said "no"... so I came up with some excuse to run to the aid station- there I found someone who could give me the details. She had signed the death certificate... but couldn't give me any details, other then the fact he was a young, caucasion PFC. I made a slight, determained detour on my way back and stopped by the chu's. God forbid I was caught somewhere I shouldn't be... her wrath was of the devil himself.
One of the guys in the platoon was blindly walking around and mumbled some sort of unaudible anwser after being asked "who it was". It was then I found him in his room, curled up in bed... I gasped a sigh of relief. Then realizing, just who it had been.
Not for a moment do I regret that past 5 years of my life. Yeah, some things I would have done differantly... but in all, I am a better being now, then I have ever been before. It's unfortunate I have had to learn all I know now, within the circumstances that have led to this point. A thrill seaker I am, ignorant I am not. I had a pretty good idea what I was getting myself in to when I signed my life away... if I only knew then what I know now. I say this yet again, only that ignorance is blind, but innocence is precious.
Perhaps I need a job. A life or sorts. My whole life has been revolved around this uniform I wore, and the details in between. I eagerly threw my boots over the wire, but my Class A's still remain crisp in my closet. All those ribbons... and what to show for? I find being a veteran of retired nature, doesn't grant you any special pass or leverage in this civilain life. Obviously, getting blown up, shot at, and saving someone's life isn't a marketable skill.
My back aches, my knees are swollen... and I don't feel near the vibrant age of 23. Again, I have nothing to show for- but memories wished to be forgot, poor health, and a few rows of colorfull ribbons that I really have no damn idea what they're for.
In regards to the opening of this blog... where I was poorly recalling that event. Well, he was a soldier I knew and he fell from a blackhawk. He wasn't even my husband, nor in my battalion... but I knew him. That was enough.
The fear I experienced then... of "not knowing", is still great. I had to know. I asked questions, I sought counsel... I doubted anwsers. It frustrates me not being there now, and knowing all what goes on. I only hear "second hand" info... and whatever my husband choses to tell me.
Yeah, my military stint sucked. It hurt. It still hurts... but I'd do it all over again. If it weren't for Uncle Sam I wouldn't have the motivation to be productive, know more, and see the big picture. I can't say whether I agree with us being in Iraq or not. Doesn't seem right that they all died for a people that are not deserving of our sacrifice. Who are we to extinguish evil? It has existed since the begining of time... and will continue to thrive until this world as we know, will end. Are we ignorant to believe we have that much of an impact on evil? Or do we continue our war there so that the remaining good, might continue to live on in innocence and prosperity?
Oh yeah, I met the love of my life in July of '05. Love came out of all of this... it was worth it.
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